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Speak Yer Piece
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Dear Pirate, |
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I’m a high school junior and I like a guy in my school who already has a girlfriend. I’ve known this guy for over a year. A few months ago he wanted us to go together but it was bad timing (on my part) and so I turned him down, but now I really want to be his girlfriend. I know he likes me a lot and I believe that if he didn’t already have a girlfriend he would definitely want to go with me. Now, I don’t know what to do. My mom thinks I should just be happy to be his friend, but I don’t really want to spend time around him pretending that being friends is okay. But I also don’t want to stop being around him, because he might change his mind about who he wants to date. What should I do?
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Bad Timing |
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Ahoy BT, |
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Ay, lassy, you got yerself a bit of a pickle here, don’t ya? But, it ain’t so bad as it may look at first light. Alrighty then, there’s two tacks you gotta draw. One, you did have a chance to sign on with this seadog, but you chose against it. So, if’n he moved on, well, ye can’t wrong him for that. Belay the grievin’ on that one. You’ll snag yer prize soon enough. |
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Second, whether it be from a wounded heart or whether it be from havin’ his fancy grabbed by another, yer sea dog is sailing under another flag now. And every good Lass of Fortune knows, it’s a deadman’s draw to press a rover into yer service if’n he don’t choose to be there. Maybe he’ll shift ‘is deadlights in yer direction and maybe not, but either way, you fly yer own flag and see who show ups awillin’. Don’t waste yer days on them that don’t make their mark with you. Aaaarghhh!
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Fair winds to ya’, lass! |
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Dear Pirate, |
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I am a consultant and I have a client who is always dragging her feet. She puts off making decisions that I need to do my job, doesn’t answer proposals I send and respond to my e-mails. She always has a reason why she can’t respond to my questions at the time, and promises to do it later but then still doesn’t give me her input when I need it. She seems to be satisfied with my work and isn't stressed over the pace of things, but it worries me because she waits until the last minute and then dumps everything on me at once. I’m thinking of resigning the account, but I know it will leave her in a lurch this late in the project.
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In A Pickle |
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Avast Pickle, |
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Ay, bilged by yer own anchor ye are! In pirate-lore, this quaint tragedy occurs when yer not payin’ a proper mind whilst hoisting yer anchor and it knocks a hole in the bottom of yer boat. Some modern day landlubbers (queasy-minded as most of ‘em are!), coined a phrase that ye mighta heard – “Shoot yerself in yer own foot”. (Gaaaarr!) Can ye say “shark bait”? I just bet yer already gittin’ the point here, but let’s forage on just in case yer sleppin’ on the watch. |
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First, we gotta split this pickle and decide which half yer gonna keep. Is ye ready to crush her barnacles and cast her afloat? Er is ye just lookin’ for a way to masquerade fish guts as rum and hope ye don’t keel over when ya chug the bottle? If’n it’s the later yer cravin’, swag on along to the devil dodger, cuz I got no words fer ya, ceptin’ maybe to harden up yer belly, ‘cause that bilge will kill a weak spirit. |
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But, if’n yer ready to deal with this mutiny, read on. Every Cap’n worth his (or her, lest we forget the feisty legendary pirate Anny Bonny!) sea-salt knows that ye’ can’t be toleratin’ disrespect and crimpin’ from no one, no matter how handy a sailor or deadly a shot he may be. Bein’ a pirate, and livin’ to talk about it, is a much a matter of demandin’ respect as it is cunning and bravery. Them that don’t give it, to the gunner’s daughter they go, or at lest the tails across their flank. Ay, there may be a gash in yer crew for a while. But better to maroon the scalliwag on yer own time then suffer a cutlass to the back of yer neck if’n he turns on ya in the heat of battle! Er worse, suffer a full-blown mutiny, 'cuz yer crew-mates don't respect ya' no more! (A sadder fate never befell a true pirate.)
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Ye gotta be the captain of yer ship! Them that craves to sail with ya’, gotta go on account and sign yer articles (Ye DO have articles, don't ya?!). If’n ye let some lead-puller steer yer vessel, and he runs ye aground, well, such is the price of a weak will. |
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“…leave her in a lurch..”? Blimey, bucko! What is ya? A self-respectin’ sea dog, or a frackin’ barmaid at the local quarter-house? |
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Pirate Up! Aaaaarghh! |
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Dear Pirate, |
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My 18-year-old son is planning a high-school graduation party at our home. One of the things he wants to include is keg of beer. He has worked out a very responsible structure to make sure that any of the kids who come to the party don't drive under the influence and all the guests must have their parents permsiion to have their kids attend a keg party. The problem is that the legal drinking age in our state is 21. We're not too worried about breaking the law (after all, we think it's crazy that one of our son's classmates from last year is in Iraq right now and he's not old enough to drink!), but we are concerned about sending the wrong message to him and his friends. These are really good, smart kids. Most, including our son, make very good grades, play sports and are already accepted into college. We'd really like to reward them for their hard work and success, but we're concerned about advocating an illiegal activity. Should we do it, and if we do, how do we justify it to our son without being hypocrits? |
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Very Proud (Law-abiding?) Mom |
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Ahoy Mom, |
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First off, Caulkers and God-speed to ya, Madam, fer raisin' up a stout and shipshape buccaneer. Yer right to be lookin' for how to respect his journey so far. |
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Now, just so I know that I'm not rummed up or batty, yer askin' me, a pirate, whether er not a young sea dog should be given the right to splice the main-brace with his mates as he gets ready to raise his flag and sail off to battle. Yer askin' ME if'n ye ought to piss on the law?! Heh? Do me crusty eyes betray me, or am I readin' true? |
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Alrighty then, ye asked an' I'll answer. Why the bilge-rat hell NOT? Damn me salty eyes, it ought to be a required ritual that every young man weathers 'fore he's allowed to ply his trade! He's been tested by the powers that be and earned the right to fly his flag! Blast the law on this one! (Of course, any self-respectin' pirate would say the same for almost any reason that sounds good at the time.) Based on what ye say, you'd be a hypocrite to do otherwise! Honor the young cap'n and his fellow sea-dogs and play the pipes clear an' loud! I'll toast 'em myself! Aaaaarggghh!! |
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But beware! Every pirate knows that the price of the sweet trade can be the hangman's noose or the cage. If'n yer gonna show yer arse to the bosun, ya' can't whine when he straps yer carcass to the mainsal and flogs ya with the 'nines. And no true sea dog would EVER resort to lies and excuses to save his can from the wages of his trade. You can cry in pain when the tails cut yer flesh, but it just ain't fittin' to cry in self-pity. |
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So make sure yer boy, and his mates, understand the meanin' of honor and courage and straight thinkin'. Make sure they know that the guard is on patrol and if'n they ketch ya' breakin' the law, they'll take their measure with ya'. So, don't be stupid or recklass and don't put yer mates at risk 'cuz yer rummed up. No decent sea-dog wants to spend his days in a stock or scrapping barnacles off the bottom of the ship, but that's what ye git if you git lazy or fail yer mates. There's ships to plunder, coastlines to pillage, and ye can't be doin' that if'n yer payin' dues. |
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Besides, by the the time a lad is ready to leave port, he's already got 'is code. Soon enough, he'll be makin' 'is own calls without yer eyes awatchin'. If'n ye taught him well and gave him good sights, he'll do ye proud. If'n ye haven't, well, sad to say, no amount of words spoken now will change what you got. |
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If'n ya send along yer post, I'll send yer sea dog a signed copy of me very own Pirate Code, to get him started on 'is travels. |
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Cheers to you and yours, Madam! |
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